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Marrying The Four Instead of The One

A minimalist graphic on a gray background. In the top left, the number “87” is in a slanted, medium-gray font. Below in bold black text is the quote: “Don’t worry about marrying “The One”—focus on marrying “The Four.”“

Why is the search for The One so hard? Is it because God gets His kicks by sending us on impossible scavenger hunts? Or is it because The One is a magical fairy-tale creation? Like the unicorn. Beautiful, lifts you off the ground, and most importantly, isn’t real.

Yes, if you marry you will marry just one person at a time. However, is that one person the only person you could’ve married?

Well … I married my wife many years ago, and I can’t imagine having married anyone else. But was she the only one I could’ve married? If I would’ve taken a different job after college and met my wife at a sales seminar instead of a college admissions conference, would I have somehow been out of God’s will? Doomed to a life married to “The Fifth” or “The Sixth” instead of The One?

I don’t think so. I don’t think God operates like a cruise director and if we miss the boat it leaves without us—our future husband or wife on the arm of someone else, sipping a margarita while laughing about the last real estate deal they landed.

But whether there is such a thing as The One is really not that important to me. What’s important is that you make a wise decision when deciding if this is the right one for you.

The decision of who you marry can be based on something substantial, like a sequoia tree, the roots deep into the ground. Or the decision to marry can be made like buying that Snickers bar at the cash register—you’re hungry and well, why wait?

So instead of searching for this magical creature called The One, I propose we should be on the hunt for The Four—the four different relationships that need to be intertwined within the Right One.

AND THE FOUR WILL BECOME ONE

Best Friend

Marrying your best friend simply means that you can do absolutely nothing with this person and have a blast. A trip to Target to buy pants can feel like going to Disneyland—well, at least on a day that Space Mountain is closed.

If you don’t enjoy going to the grocery store with this person to buy eggs or changing the clothes at the laundromat, then you might not enjoy doing marriage. Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical.

I have this distinct memory when dating Naomi of being stuck in LA traffic, looking over at her and thinking, “I wouldn’t want to be stuck in traffic with anyone else.” It was this tiny mundane moment that turned magical. That’s marriage.

However, don’t try to make this best friend an exact replica of your other best friends.

I made this mistake for months, wondering why Naomi didn’t relate to me the same ways as Cody or Rob did. Well, the friendship is different. Your wife might not tell jokes like your college roommate did. Your husband might not talk for hours into the night like your best friend from home. That’s all right. Like drinking wine or a cup of coffee, they both might taste delicious, but each will have an entirely different flavor.

Lover

Attraction is super important. And attraction is not based only on looks. Personality, faith, humor, drive, passion, looks—they all factor into attraction. However, one way or another, if this person doesn’t get your motor running when they turn the key, well your car might be stuck on the side of the road at the first sign of a winter storm. Just saying …

Business Partner

Your marriage is a business. Anyone that tells you different is trying to sell you something for theirs. Budgets, bills, savings, earnings, investments, plans for growth, money (or lack thereof) can become acid on your threads of marriage. Just like you wouldn’t start a business with someone without talking through the realities of financial situations, budgets, and goals, the same goes for marriage.

Because if he’s a spender and you’re a saver, and you don’t talk about it—then your marriage might be spent before it can be saved.

Wartime Ally

When married life begins to feel like a war—and it will—will you war against each other or will you war together?

Life can be intense—lost jobs, lost loved ones, and lost hope. So when the bullets start to fly, will you hunker down in the bunker together? Or will you be the first to turn and pull the trigger? When everything begins to war against your marriage, will the two of you fight for each other or will you fight against?

And this is where I think having similar faiths plays a huge role. Because when the enemy troops start scaling the walls of your marriage, it’s important that you’re both running to the same place for help.

DON’T SEARCH FOR THE UNICORN ANY LONGER

Let’s stop searching for this mythical creature called The One. Instead let’s focus on finding The Four, on marrying someone who will do the nitty-gritty details of life at our side—because that’s marriage. That’s real. And that’s awesome.

练习题

According to the section, what should a person focus on instead of anxiously searching for a magical idea of “The One”?

A. Waiting until God reveals only one possible spouse with absolute certainty

B. Making a wise decision about whether someone is the right person to marry

C. Choosing quickly before the relationship becomes too complicated

D. Marrying the person who best matches everyone else’s expectations

Which situation best illustrates the author’s idea that a spouse should be a best friend in ordinary life?

A. A couple enjoys only expensive vacations and dramatic romantic surprises.

B. A couple can have fun together while doing errands like grocery shopping or laundry.

C. A couple avoids mundane tasks so their relationship stays exciting.

D. A couple expects their spouse to act exactly like their college roommate.

In the author’s description of “The Four,” why is the “Lover” relationship important?

A. Because attraction matters and includes more than physical appearance

B. Because physical appearance is the only reliable measure of compatibility

C. Because romance should replace friendship, finances, and hardship

D. Because attraction is unnecessary once two people share the same goals

Which statements reflect the section’s teaching about marriage as a “business partner” relationship? Select all that apply.

A. Couples should talk through financial situations, budgets, and goals before marriage.

B. Money, bills, savings, and investments can place real strain on a marriage.

C. If one person is a spender and the other is a saver, ignoring the difference can damage the marriage.

D. Making a budget is unnecessary as long as both people love each other.

E. Looking at and using a budget matters, not merely saying a budget exists.

Which statements match the section’s description of a spouse as a “wartime ally”? Select all that apply.

A. In hardship, a couple should fight for each other rather than against each other.

B. Married life will never feel like a war if the couple chose correctly.

C. Similar faith can matter because both people may run to the same place for help in crisis.

D. The question is whether the couple will war together when pressures attack the marriage.

E. A couple should treat every conflict as proof that the marriage was a mistake.

The section teaches that marrying wisely means making a substantial decision rather than acting impulsively, even if the idea of “The One” feels romantic.

According to the section, marriage is mostly made of magical moments, so ordinary errands and daily details are not a meaningful test of the relationship.

Instead of searching for the magical idea of “The One,” the author says to look for ___: the intertwined relationships of best friend, lover, business partner, and wartime ally.

Explain how the “business partner” and “wartime ally” ideas work together in the author’s view of marriage.

Why does the author warn against expecting a spouse to be an exact replica of other best friends, and how does that fit with making a wise marriage choice?

A couple is considering marriage because they feel intense chemistry, but they have never discussed spending habits, savings goals, or how they would handle bills. Which response best integrates the section’s advice about marriage with the prior advice about budgeting?

A. Chemistry is enough because attraction matters more than practical planning.

B. They should discuss finances because marriage includes business-partner responsibilities, and ignoring a budget is like not making one.

C. They should avoid talking about money because financial differences naturally disappear after marriage.

D. They should focus only on whether they are each other’s best friend because mundane enjoyment solves financial conflict.

Which statements correctly combine the idea of seeking “The Four” in a future spouse with the earlier lesson about defining success for yourself?

A. You should identify what you are actually looking for in marriage rather than chasing a vague fantasy of “The One.”

B. Because success is subjective, choosing a spouse wisely involves reflecting on values, rhythms, and the kind of life you are trying to build.

C. If you do not define what a wise marriage choice looks like, you may drift into someone else’s expectations.

D. The best way to choose a spouse is to ignore practical qualities and wait for a magical sign.

E. Since you cannot pursue what you have not identified, naming the four relationship roles can guide a wiser decision.

True or false: If two people both enjoy the same exciting activity, that alone proves they will be compatible spouses, because marriage is mainly built on magical moments.

How does the prior idea that different personality types can complement or clash help explain the current section’s warning not to make a spouse into an exact replica of other best friends?

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