No One Knows, Marriage Lessons, Entitlement, and Passion

Are you freaked out that you have no idea what you’re doing? Perfect! So is everyone else. Even the so-called experts sometimes don’t have a clue. Sometimes they have simply mastered the art of Perceived Credibility. Sometimes making your way through adulthood will feel like going through a gigantic corn maze, in the dark, after being spun around like a kid in front of a piñata. Don’t be surprised if it takes more flashlights, falls, and wrong turns than you ever planned. And the only way you end up finding your way out is to burn the whole maze down. Don’t wait to feel like you have what it takes before you try. Don’t wait for confidence before you move. Don’t wait to be cast into the lead role before you start playing the part. Don’t wait, act. Raise your hand. Say, “sure I can do that.” Then figure it out from there. You’ll be surprised how quickly the act becomes a reality.

You have this great big party. Delicious food. Maybe some fun dancing. Bridesmaids to the left. Groomsmen on the right. Toasts and hugs and rings and bouquets and cakes and kisses and first dances, then poof, it’s done. It’s a day—an amazing day, the best of days, an extremely significant, life-changing, expensive day. But it is one day. Getting married doesn’t happen in a day, it happens in a decade. And even that decade is merely just cutting the cake before the real party begins. I remember going to weddings and admiring the sheer maturity and wisdom of the couple at the altar. There’s two people who have it all figured out, I’d think. But then you get married and realize the truth: You have marriage figured out until the day after you’re actually married. We spend so much time and effort on getting married, we forget that the real point is staying married. Learning how to make decisions together—both small and big—takes practice. Because you’ve had just one person to plan around for years—yourself. Just like trying to master synchronized swimming, it takes hours of practice and near drownings before you’ll even come close to swimming together. As I sit here, many years deep into the World of Husband, there are only two things I’m sure about: 1. I still have a lot to learn. 2. When in doubt, do the dishes.

Have you ever met a WOMS? A World Owes Me Something? WOMS eat entitlement for breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, and dinner. Entitlement is a tasty, sexy, seductive trap. Like Edward chowing down on Turkish Delight from the witch in Narnia, what WOMS crave most will never be satisfied. And the Turkish Delightitlement they thought was leading them to a palace will take them instead to a prison. When we live being sprinkled with But I Deserve It, the funny thing is, we’ll get exactly what we deserve. But like buying a replica Van Gogh, when we think we’re getting the real thing, it will end up costing us way more than it’s worth.

We talk about finding your passion like it’s dating a Swedish model or driving a German sports car. It’s living this audacious life where someone offers you coffee on Monday morning and you give them a look and say, “No thanks. I’m fueled by awesome.” What a load of elephant dung. I prayed for years to find my passion—for that one great idea that would propel me into a life of awesome. But then I learned that having a great idea is the easy, exhilarating part. Like going on those first few dates with your crush—all tingle and sizzle, without any of the responsibility or commitment that comes later. Finding your passion is unsexy. Because do you know where you find your passion? When you receive 457 no’s, yet you pick up the phone again. You find your passion when it’s 4:30 a.m. and you feel like a mule sat on your head all night, but you’re up and working anyway. You find your passion scared as a cat trying to run up a highway. Your passion is not just something you do. Your passion is something you cannot NOT do. For many people their greatest passion and purpose are birthed out of their greatest pain and problems. You build from the places you felt broken. I personally believe the Lord is in the redemption business—your struggles becoming this powerful redemption narrative of your story. Or as I wrote in 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties, “In every great story the hero always experiences an ‘all is lost’ moment before the dramatic rise.” When all dreams of bestsellers and bonuses fade away. When you know something to be true, even when friends and family tell you to stop believing a lie. When people allude that your great idea is actually quite terrible. You find your passion when it’s totally failed, yet you refuse to let it fail. That’s passion.