Eliminating Wrong Paths and Surviving Awkward Coworkers

You’re playing a game of Emerging Adult Elimination. Every time you cross something off the list, you’re coming closer to naming a winner. Keep playing the game and soon you’ll be shouting out “Bingo!”

Why is there so much awkward at work?

Maybe it’s because the maze of rainy-day-gray cubicles are set up like a D minus science experiment thrown together the night before the science fair. Maybe it’s because if you get a group of people together, no matter where, it’s bound to be a little awkward. Because we’re all a little awkward.

Even if you’re mainly working remotely, you’re still going to have to interact with awkward coworkers online, and those are going to be some of the most awkward encounters you can imagine.

But the best part about having awkward coworkers?

You have no idea just how awkward they are until you’re fully employed.

LET’S TAKE A GANDER AT SOME OF THE TOP AWKWARD COWORKERS.

The MumbleCore

What was that, Henry?

The report is probably going to be different.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch the last part.

(sigh) I said probably it’s an elephant monkey tattoo in the cupboard.

Did you say elephant-monkey tattoo?

(huge sigh, with eyes rolling like bowling balls)

And that right there is the best part about the MumbleCore—their sighs and rolling eyes are the only two things you can hear every time. Without fail.

The Quick-Clicker

You know they are browsing the internet all day. They know they are browsing the internet all day. Yet when you walk over to their desk, they click away faster than Billy the Kid at a shootout.

The UnMuter

Some people just have a gift for never properly utilizing the mute button in an online meeting. It’s like they want you to hear the vacuum/washing machine/side conversation they’re having with their roommate about their latest exploits from Saturday night. And no, Stacy, I don’t think you should go out with Harry again after hearing that story.

The One-Upper

You got a story you think is somewhat amusing? Think again. The One-Upper is ready to pounce at the first sign of a pause. You saw three deer cross the street? He saw nine deer being chased by a mountain lion. You tripped down three stairs and cut your hand? How cute—he tripped down an escalator and was in the hospital for a month. You landed a $50,000account;helandedoneworth$5 million. You saw Paul McCartney at the airport. He saw John Lennon—after his death. And got his autograph!

The Shoulder-Rubber

You’re locked in. Focused on a report. About to have a breakthrough when … what in the name of … there’s two hands on your shoulders. And now … they’re … rubbing.

You’ve been attacked by the Shoulder-Rubber. Your best line of defense? Hunker down and pretend the report is so engrossing that you don’t even notice those hands are there.

The Online Meeting Multi-Tasker

You got an online meeting? Great! The Online Meeting Multi-Tasker is going to take that opportunity to be doing yoga while they participate. Or maybe ride their bike. Jog. Bake a cake. Clearly read something else below the screen as they throw out a fake smile or head nod every other minute.

Oh, they’re listening, they assure you. But the Online Meeting Multi-Tasker, quite honestly, has more important things to do at the moment than this meeting. And every meeting. Sometimes they even log into another meeting while in your meeting just to make sure the meeting multi-tasking is properly taking place.

The Email-Only

You actually work in a physical office together. Walking from their desk to yours takes exactly 23 seconds, if there’s heavy hallway traffic. But the Email-Only wants to keep human interaction at a bare minimum. Do they actually work in the office? Your coworker swears they saw them in the parking lot last Tuesday. Are they actually real, or are they just some AI creation that your company is testing everyone with to see how long it takes before someone notices? You know you should be able to answer these questions, but the Email-Only has become an enigma that everyone swears they’ve seen while no one can actually remember where.

The “That Won’t Work”

Got an idea? How nice. The “That Won’t Work” has five reasons your great idea is worse than filling your pockets with ham before walking into a lion’s cage.

The Lingerer

He has no sense of beginning or end. The Lingerer lives, breathes, and has his being in the nexus of your doorway, never knowing when to say hello or when to wave goodbye. So he stands, obviously yet inconspicuously, weight on his left foot, hands firmly stuffed in his pockets as he intensely studies the picture of an elm tree on your wall like he hasn’t examined it 332 times before, hoping that someone else will make the first conversational move.

You continue typing, pretending that you don’t see him and if you don’t finish your email in the next minute the world might EXPLODE! But the Lingerer knows your game. He’s the 8th grade guy who figures if he just hovers next to a girl long enough, maybe she’ll just ask him on a date.

HR Awkward

Then you go to HR to have a meeting about one of these awkward encounters, only to have a meeting with the perma-smiling-and-nodding HR assistant in a small little room with no windows and a sound machine playing ocean noises, like you’re at the worst spa ever invented, which of course is more awkward than anything that preceded it.

That’s when you realize that awkward is the way. Always will be.

AWKWARD LOVES COMPANY

But the thing to remember is—the Lingerer or the MumbleCore, yeah, they think you’re awkward too. And you know what, they’re probably right. We all have our awkward uniqueness that makes us, well, us. Quirks are like birthmarks—you live with it for so long you kind of forget it’s there. But gosh, 20–40-plus hours working somewhere would be boring if we didn’t have the awkward to spice it up.

When you leave this job and start a new one, it might be the amazing awkwardness you remember and even miss the most.